Cat Profile #2: The Ass Cat

Submitted for your approval:  a typical suburban family awakes one morning to find that a stray female cat would very much like to make their permanent acquaintance.  She is a bit ragged, a bit more hungry and extremely pregnant.  Being animal lovers, the matriarch of the family takes her in and shows her immeasurable kindness.  In time she gives birth to seven kittens, quickly become six after the token infant kitten death. Among her progeny are two tiger patterned kittens, one gray female (who's like-hued brother shuffled off this mortal coil in the previous paragraph), two blotchy-on-white mutts, and an oddly colored, loudly crying male.  In the beginning, he is simply known as the odd one out.  His clever owners who adopt him from his birth-home name him Franklin.  But as he grows into his skin he will take on a new moniker due to his propensity for all-around ass-ishness.  He will become The Ass Cat.

When The Ass Cat first come home, he vomited frequently.  Silly Ass Cat.  He grew out of this hobby as quickly as he grew out of his distracting practice of being small.

The Ass Cat has become the biggest member of his litter.  He is almost two years old and weighs in at a sturdy 14 pounds.  He is a steady eater, but much prefers sleeping and whining.  He also enjoys going buck-wild when a laser pointer comes onto the scene.

Ass Cat is not often a roll-on-the-floor-affectionate kind of feline.  The only exception to this is when he is in the bathroom.  If you go to the bathroom without him, he will scratch the door and wine as if wounded.  Once you grant him entrance, he immediately throws himself on the bathroom rug and demands your sweetness and attention.  Then is the time for cuddling.

In recent times, Ass Cat has become an older brother (though not in a genetic sense).  He is now charged with the welfare of a very tiny and very bald kitten, a job he is quite comfortable with.  And while he usually cavorts around the apartment with glee, he will occasionally end play-time with a definitive swat of the paw.

A few months ago, Future-Wife discovered that Ass Cat had blood in his urine.  He didn't seemed fazed by it, continuing his normal schedule with no alteration whatsoever.  Still, it was a cause for concern.  A trip to veterinarian taught us that Ass Cat has lower urinary tract disorder.  This is apparently no big deal, and the vet gave Ass Cat the sweet opiate hook-up.  Ass Cat has been fine ever since.

This is the story of Franklin the Ass Cat.  The sweetest Ass Cat around.  You wish you had him for your own, but we are glad that you don't.

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